What I Need Right Now

I need to make new friends.  Particularly ones I don’t sleep with.

I need to have fun.  I need to let go, and unselfconsciously have a good time.

I need to process all the emotions of the divorce, coming out, and losing all my friends a little over a year ago.

I need to learn to be ok on my own, without losing touch with my desire for partnership.

I need to tap into the creative wells in my heart and mind.  My best music has yet to be made.

I need to develop healthy routines and habits.

I need to invest in my career, and become damned good at what I do.

I need to slow down and think about the impulses that come into my head, and not just jump on them and pursue them unless I know they’re healthy.

I need to be more honest and realistic with myself and others about what I can expect and commit to.  I need to avoid making commitments I can’t keep.

I need intimacy.  In my friendships, in my romance, and with my family.

Introducing Zach, and more on Patrick

So I spent yesterday evening/last night with Zack.  It was the first time we had actually met, after chatting for several weeks on grindr.  He is a singularly intriguing guy.  He’s several years younger than me (23), has boundless energy and zest for life, and is obsessed with astrology.  We had tons of chemistry, especially socially.  We both are very thoughtful and reflective, and love talking about life and big ideas.  For a first date, it was quite a deep one.  But I suppose that is my typical MO.

I can’t decide how I feel about him.  He’s gorgeous, though not as confident as he should be.  He’s very emotionally open.  He’s adventurous and fun in bed.  He’s well-hung (not a requirement for me, but it is a plus ;)).  But at the same time, I honestly felt more attracted to him platonically than romantically.  I kinda want him to be my best friend.  And if he becomes my boyfriend or partner, that’s great.  I could definitely see that working.  But I guess my main attraction to him is that we can have tons of fun together, while also knowing each other well and processing life together.  I don’t have anyone else like that in my life right now, besides Patrick.  

Oh Patrick.  I want him to be mine.  I want to give myself to him.  I have never felt so thoroughly captivating as I do with him, and I’ve never felt so captivated in return.  But I’m afraid of a few things.  I’m afraid I’m too fickle or unpredictable for him.  I’m afraid he needs a deeper level of commitment than I can provide right now.  Or ever.  I’m afraid that I will try to make a commitment to him because he’s an all or nothing kind of guy, and that it will backfire in a few months.  I would be thrilled to date him, to get to know him, to see where things go.  But I don’t know if he can do that.  I get the impression that his feelings are already quite well-formed, and I don’t think he can backpedal on them as readily as I can.

Even this weekend, my feelings have changed quite a bit about what I can give him.  I started writing this song for him basically saying that I thought I needed to be free and easy for a while, to have casual sex with friends or strangers, and to be unattached, but that none of them make me feel the way he does, and I’m willing to give it a shot with him.  And now I don’t know if that’s true.  It’s definitely true that he makes me feel amazing.  And that I would be so lucky to be with him as a partner.  But am I ready/willing to give it a shot right now?  Yesterday the answer was yes.  Today the answer is probably not.  I don’t like being that fickle, but honestly that’s where I am right now.  Which probably means I shouldn’t make any commitments.

It’s never simple…

Fun and hot, but not what I need? Maybe?

So last night was really interesting. I ended up having a threesome with Patrick and Larry, whom I’ve not mentioned yet. Larry is a guy I met on grindr a while back, and is basically a FWB. We have had really hot sex a number of times now, but I’d never date him.

Anyway, we had a pretty fun threesome at my apartment, which included me taking double penetration for the first time. Let me say…not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be, and omg it felt so amazing!

Larry left, and Patrick stayed the night. We stayed up really late talking about what happened, and basically he felt really uncomfortable with it. Turns out he’s really wanting exclusivity with me, because he feels somewhat insecure, and wants to build something special. I was thrown for a loop…we had talked about this a number of times, and he had always said he was ok with where I am and what I want right now (sleeping with other people, not being in a relationship yet). But after last night, he was feeling differently. He thought he could handle me sleeping around, but it actually makes him feel really weird.

I should have seen this coming. He said before that he felt like we were doing it backwards, having openness early on and moving towards exclusivity. But he said he was ok with it. And I think he wanted to be ok with it. But when it came down to it, he was jealous and uncomfortable and turned off.

So today he tells me that he can’t date me while I’m sleeping with other people. And that we might not even be able to be friends in the meantime if I need some time to get to that point. It’s all or nothing he says.

I don’t feel ready for that. I want it…I want him…but I just am not sure I can really commit to it. But I do have a tendency to want things that are not good for me in the long run. And maybe that’s what this is. Maybe I don’t really need to sleep around and be unattached and uncommitted. Maybe this is a one-time opportunity to be with a man who makes me feel so amazing, to whom I’m attracted and by whom I’m intrigued more than anyone I’ve ever known thus far.

I’ve got a lot of processing to do. What the hell do I need? And how do I get it?

Walked home for lunch today, thinking a lot about Patrick, and what I am ready for vs. what I want. Honestly not sure what I’m ready for…or even really what I want. Patrick is fantastic and I am so excited to get to know him more. I know I want that. But I also want to get to know other people. I want to be able to go on a date with Jeff and have the freedom to see where that goes. I guess I’m just not ready to get tied down yet. And I’m afraid that I’ll do the same with Patrick that I did with Sherlock, jumping in too quickly and then questioning things shortly after. But Patrick is damn near perfect. I feel so amazing around him…in so many ways. He fits in my life better than anyone I’ve ever met, at least so far. I am so relaxed and at ease with him. I guess the question is whether I trust myself enough yet. To know what I want…to know when I’m ready.

A brief introduction

I’m 27. I live in Washington, DC and work at one of the universities in DC. I came out in November of 2010, after being closeted for the previous 15 years. I was in a 9 year relationship with a woman I will call Pearl, including 4 years of marriage before our separation at the time I came out. I went crazy for a few months after I came out. That was my big slut phase.

In April of last year, I met Sherlock, and we quickly jumped into a very serious relationship. We moved in together in July, and then I broke up with him in late November.

I met Patrick about 3 weeks ago. We met first on grindr, then that same night had a deep conversation at Starbucks. Since then we’ve spent tons of time together, had some really amazing sex, and shared a really incredible emotional connection.

I told myself when Sherlock and I broke up that I needed a year of singleness. I had no intentions of meeting anyone special or falling for anyone. Patrick challenges that. I am starting to fall for him, and I’m mostly ok with that. But I’m also scared.

More to come. Comments and questions are very welcome.

Repurposing

I’m going to be using this space for very different purposes for a while. What that means is, a lot less porn, a lot more processing of personal shit I’m dealing with. And perhaps the occasional explicit detail ;). Just a heads up. Feel free to unfollow with no hard feelings.

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